The focus of this article is on the mindfulness practice of being self-compassionate. 

Think of self-compassion as the way you might treat someone in your life that you care about. When you see someone you love suffering, you likely feel compassion for them. You want to see their suffering stop, or at least ease up. 

The idea behind the practice of self-compassion is that we treat ourselves much the way we would treat someone close to us – with caring, warmth, tenderness and comfort.

The practice of extending compassion to yourself is helpful when you are in the midst of difficult thoughts and feelings. (Although not this blog’s focus, self-compassion can be cultivated to use more generally to establish and maintain an attitude of tenderness towards yourself in all situations.)

Use self-compassion to cope with distressing thoughts and feelings. You can start simply by acknowledging that you are suffering right now, that you are in some pain and distress. It does not mean that you have to get rid of the thought and/or feeling. 

The first step in any mindfulness practice is awareness – the noticing of the thoughts and feelings that are temporarily present in the moment. You could notice:

• Bodily sensations
• Feeling “stuck” in your head
• Worry about the future
• Thinking about something in the past
• A desire to do something/get away from others
• A “short fuse” – more easily annoyed/irritable
• Other thoughts and feelings – numb, anxious, sad, angry, overwhelmed, etc.

The instant you first notice a distress signal is sometimes called the “magic moment”–the time when you consciously identify thoughts, feelings or other sensations. In that moment, I have observed that many people–including myself at times–will try to push away or distract oneself from the uncomfortable feelings, thoughts and sensations. As understandable as that impulse can be, it does not take away the thoughts, feelings and sensations. They will return at some point.

As an alternative, I encourage you to practice what I call “compassionate noticing.” 

Essential components of compassionate noticing:

• Recognize/name what is happening. E.g.:
  • “Right now I am suffering/hurting/this is a moment of suffering/pain”
  • “What is my mind telling me, what is my body telling me right now, etc. – 
    • “Right now I am (stuck, hooked, really angry, overwhelmed, telling myself I suck, etc.”
    • Right now my heart is pounding, etc.””
• Recognize your humanity
  • Remind yourself that you and all your fellow humans have times of suffering. This fact is a thread of our shared humanity, a common connection we all have. There are times when we all struggle and suffer. 
• Practice compassion
  • You can put your hands on your chest/heart and say to yourself (or out loud if that feels ok): “May I have compassion for myself in this moment of suffering”. Or something like that.

Remember to treat yourself the way you would a dear person in your life. This is an ongoing practice that you can do as needed – no matter how distressed you might feel in the moment.

Look for more articles on mindfulness strategies via the Mindful Counseling Center’s Mindfulness Blog Series. 

If you are interested in counseling that introduces you to mindfulness as a vehicle to cope with everyday stress and helps you build mindfulness skills and habits, reach out to me at the Relationship Institute of New Jersey. I also periodically offer psycho-educational courses to promote mental health that weave in mindfulness practices. You can get on my mailing list to receive updates about upcoming courses.

Article by  Patrick R. Connelly, LCSW and Certified Gottman Therapist.. Patrick is the CEO/Owner of the Mindful Counseling Center and Owner/Psychotherapist of the Relationship Institute of New Jersey.