Accept and Let Go

In the language of self-care, mindfulness practice, and mental health care, I hear the terms “acceptance” and “radical acceptance” bandied about a lot. What do we really mean by these terms?
We can broadly think of acceptance as a conscious pathway we can take to help ourselves cope, in a nonjudgmental manner, with everyday situations that are unavoidable or out of our control. The goal of acceptance is to reduce the distress the situations cause. (Adapted in part from Better Together Family Therapy, 2024)
Acceptance in difficult situations can happen when (adapted in part from Maldenberg, 2022)—
- We let go of our resistance to the reality of an event or circumstances that causes us emotional suffering. (Observe that it is not only the event or circumstance that can cause us pain, but also our nonacceptance of it. The interesting thing is that, whether we accept them or not, their reality doesn’t change (Linehan).)
- We recognize and allow what is real—the event or circumstances, and our feelings and thoughts about it, as they are, rather than how we think or desire them to be.
- We are willing to be in the present moment, taking compassionate notice of our experience of letting go of resistance to the reality of an event or circumstances.
The idea of acceptance of “what is” may seem illogical at first, especially when there’s deep emotional pain attached to an event or circumstance (Maldenberg, 2022).
For example, say you feel bitter towards your spouse because they are drunk almost every day, but deny there is a problem and refuse substance abuse treatment, despite your best efforts to facilitate it. Wouldn’t accepting this situation signal to your spouse that their behavior is OK with you? Or that their health isn’t worth fighting for? The answer is no, because acceptance doesn’t work like that.
Acceptance doesn’t mean that we approve of an event or circumstance or are unconcerned about its impact. It doesn’t mean that we are resigning ourselves to feeling bad about the situation, or that we will feel better about the situation once we accept it (adapted from Maldenberg, 2022). When we accept the reality of an event or circumstance, we open our whole selves to it, as it is. That acceptance can help keep the emotional pain we feel in relation to it from overwhelming us.
In the example with the spouse, you can accept your spouse’s denial of the problem and refusal to accept treatment. (Whether or not your accept, your spouse is likely still going to deny and refuse.) You can accept that you cannot control if they seek treatment. (Whether or not you try, they still likely are not going to change their mind.) You can accept that it is not your role to get treatment for your spouse. Consciously letting go of your resistance to these realities (and your mind’s focus on fighting against them), your distress about them may begin to ease.
Acceptance involves Loss and Grief
(Drawn from A. Fruzzetti, as cited in Family Connections, National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder, 2021)
Acceptance helps us live in reality with more tolerable emotional pain. However, it also means that we experience loss. (For example, due to a spouse’s untreated alcoholism, elements of your life are not what you planned or hoped for.)
To be able to accept an event or circumstance and let go of our clinging to what we planned or hoped, it is important to compassionately notice our losses and grieve them fully.
Here is an exercise to explore losses and facilitate grieving, using the example of the spouse with the alcohol problem:
- Start with a cue about a specific loss (e.g., I feel sad that my spouse will not change their way or get help.)
- Describe what you wanted and didn’t get, without judgement, shoulds or what ifs (e.g., I wanted but didn’t get a relationship in which we could trust and support each other and have a lifetime of fun adventures together. Underneath all my other emotions is sadness that we never experienced that kind of relationship.)
- Allow your feelings to come and go. Notice them as you breathe in, let them go as you breathe out. Try this for a few breaths or a few minutes. Try not to get stuck in your feelings.
- Notice that your feelings make sense: self-validate. (E.g., It was normal for me to want those things out of my relationship with my partner. It’s what I admired in my parents’ relationship.)
- Soothe yourself as needed. Utilize whatever forms of positive self-talk, meditation, mindful movement, creative activities, etc. helps you best.
- Consider seeking validation from someone else. Is there someone you trust to support you in this regard? Maybe a good friend will be compassionate towards you and your spouse.
- Consciously re-engage your life right now. Do what you need to be in the present. Bring your attention to it fully.
- Repeat this process as needed over time. This step acknowledges that loss and grieving is not a one-time event but a process.
At its core, acceptance is a way to manage difficult emotions and situations so they don’t manage us and lead to more pain.
For example, once you accept that you cannot change your spouse’s addiction to alcohol, and are able to let go of some of the distress you feel related to it, you may have more headspace to consider what you need in your relationship with your spouse going forward, what you can bring to the relationship, and what goes beyond your limit and sense of self-respect.
Paradoxically, as illustrated in the example, only by accepting the reality of an event or circumstance can we open the door to changing our response to them.
Note: Acceptance of the reality of difficult situations doesn’t come easy or natural to many of us. For that reason, it is helpful to build this skill by practicing it routinely. This article, https://cbtpsychology.com/radical-acceptance/, discusses using a skill called Turning the Mind to help you with this task.
If there is a difficult situation you are dealing with that is causing you emotional pain, know that you don’t have to cope with it alone. Counseling appointments are available to New Jersey residents at both the Mindful Counseling Center (609-377-5859) and the Relationships Institute of New Jersey (609-780-3570). Please reach out for help.
Blog by Kristin Littel
Also see our tip sheet on acceptance.
For more on radical acceptance, check out these articles:
- The Healing Power of Radical Acceptance | Psychology Today (M.P. Maldenberg, 2022)
- 10 Steps for Practicing Radical Acceptance — Better Together Family Therapy (2024)
- Marsha Linehan on Radical Acceptance – Byron Clinic (Liehan)
- Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life As It Is – MindOwl
- How to Practice Radical Acceptance (verywellmind.com)
- What Radical Acceptance Is — And Isn’t | Psych Central